It is a strange feeling. It isn't apathy nor is it laziness. It is a feeling of detachment or dullness. I think i realized what it is. Perhaps it is boredom. Maybe what she suggests comes across to me as boring. It can be. It is the same every time. We go to movie theater. We hang out and watch a movie. We cuddle and watch a movie at her house. We canoodle during the movie at my house. We sit around and talk. We do the same thing.
At the movie theater, she asked me to go into the movie while she got treats. I declined the offer, saying, "what if some creepy guy comes in here and takes you away?" She then said something that made me smile, "Then you would have to see the movie by yourself." As i was standing there in line behind four other people waiting to be helped by the only person working behind the popcorn counter for a box of overpriced Whoppers, while the movie played on without me I couldn't help but imagine myself alone in that theater, enjoying the first fifteen minutes of the show. Being in that movie theater by myself would have been quite all right.
I was suprised that she could figure me out that quickly. She prised my soul, searching for an ailment of spirit that she could somehow heal with her soft words and delicate kisses. But not more than a few seconds after she asked me, she already knew. (and i didn't tell her of course) She knew that there wasn't something that was getting me down. There wasn't a scratch on my knee that she could kiss better, no emotional fever that could be felt with the palm to the forehead-- it was a only a doldrum. One where you were looking out the window all day to see the subtle signs of spring blossoming, making plans to be outside and enjoy the new life brought to earth, only to find out later that it is colder than you thought, and that spring really hasn't come yet, and all of your plans to enjoy that are dashed. You want to start something, create something new for spring, but you realize that you can't and you do nothing.